Some time ago, I had put out a question on my Instagram stories. It was about something I’ve always wanted to discuss, especially in the context of personal finance for women. I wanted to know how women approached the topic of money with their partners. I knew I’d get some questions – But I didn’t expect a deluge! And it confirmed something I’ve always been angry about – money continues to be a sensitive topic, even among couples.
I’d initially wanted to dive straight into the tactical parts of money and marriage, like bank accounts etc but the kind of questions I received made me reconsider. I’ve decided to break it down into a series of posts instead.
We’re going to start with talking about money.
First, talking to your partner about money shouldn’t be that hard.
If you can get naked with someone, you can talk to them about money.
But if you’re wondering how to do it, especially if you’re in a new relationship, here are some simple strategies. Disclaimer: I write only what I know, and my experiences will always be in the urban, middle/upper-middle class, privileged spectrum. I am not qualified to offer advice to anyone else.
But First, Why Do You Want To Discuss This?
Before you get into any serious conversation about money with the person you’re dating or getting married to, think about why you want to talk about it. Is this relationship serious enough for you to broach what is perceived as a sensitive/taboo topic? Would the outcomes of this conversation change the course of your relationship? If the answer to either question is yes, then you should definitely have this conversation. Alternatively, start now if you’ve never broached this topic with your partner of x years. The earlier you have conversations about money, the better.
One: Do Your Homework & Frame Expectations
Take the time to do the groundwork on what you want for your financial situation. If you’re about to get engaged or dating someone seriously, you might want to talk about:
- Their salaries and yours. Who makes more? What’s the difference in pay? How will this impact your/their contribution to your lives together?
- Your spending habits. Are you thrifty? Or do you have a lifestyle? Could differences in spending habits have an impact on your relationship?
- Your bank accounts and cards. Do you have your own account? Who operates it? How many credit cards do you have? What are your bills on average?
- The career path they have planned for themselves for the near and distant future. How will this impact their inflow? For example, someone salaried now might want to get into entrepreneurship soon, which might require investment and not pay well initially.
- Debt histories – have either of you taken loans? Are they done? What are your EMIs like every month?
- How do you intend to split bills if you have a future together? For example, a 50-50 split would be unfair if your incomes are very far apart.
- What you want to save for – maybe you have an entrepreneurial dream. Or even a dream kitchen. A specific school you want your child to go to. A specific school that you want to go to. A dream house. Whatever you’re aspiring for, write it down.
- Your obligations – if you’re the sole provider for your parents, for example, and if you have to take care of them even after you’re in another household. List all your obligations.
- Your investments – are you saving? How are you saving? What are you saving it in? What does your partner save? How risky are their investments? What is your risk tolerance?
And these are just the basics. Once you start noting these down, you’ll find yourself, hopefully, with more questions. It could be about your spending habits, it could be about money in the context of your upbringing. There’s no one size fits all here. At some level, you might find answering these questions uncomfortable yourself. But get used to it! The more you introspect about your own finances, the easier it gets to talk about it. And the easier it gets to talk to your partner about it!
Two: Start Testing Waters
Consider these to be your baby steps, to get you warmed up. Start talking to your partner about money casually in conversations. You can remark on how expensive/inexpensive something is. Maybe you can talk about money in the context of a television show (“What would you do if you won a million dollars?”). Ideally, this is something you should do in the very early stages of your relationship, if you’re dating. This will help you gauge the other person’s reactions when talking about money in a neutral manner. If you’re engaged or married, I’d suggest you don’t spend too much time on this and look at ways to talk about money sooner than later.
Three: Dive Straight In
You’re not going to talk about money until you actually start talking about money. But make sure your partner knows what he/she is getting into. If you’ve never talked about money before, don’t start on a tangent. Start with context and with conviction – “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our finances for a while now and I want to discuss it with you”, is a good place to start. Try to avoid saying words like ‘I think’, ‘I don’t know if this is a good idea, but’, ‘I’m not sure, but’ when you broach the topic. You’ve thought about this enough, it’s definitely a good idea and you should be sure about it.
Four: Be Fully Prepared For Adverse Reactions
Some people get very sensitive about money and tend to take things personally. And this is something that can happen on both sides. So it’s important that both of you discuss money when you’re both calm and in a positive mood. Pick a time and place when you can talk without distractions and in a positive frame of mind. And always remember to focus on the money aspects of it versus making it about people. You’re not here to talk about each other’s parents. You’re here to talk about your finances. Deflection is unavoidable in some cases, but ground your discussion to money, not emotion. If you’re talking about supporting your parents, for example, don’t talk about their dependence on you. Talk about the percentage of your salary that you will be sending instead. Talk about the impact it’ll have on your savings.
It’s highly likely that your partner can get defensive and disagree with you. After all, a person’s views on money are very much defined by their upbringing. The first couple of times will be hard and awkward, but it’ll get better. If you’re constantly facing disagreement and hostility, though, you might have to either have a very painful conversation or escalate it to your support system.
Five: Chart Your Combined Financial Future
Once you’re comfortable discussing money, you’ll be able to chart your financial future together. You obviously have your own dreams, but there are also dreams you’ll have as a couple. A retirement house, maybe. Your child’s education. Vacations that you want to take. A car you want to buy. The emergency fund you need to build together. Your joint bank accounts.
I used to be very rigid and my money-your money with my partner at the start of our relationship but thankfully enough – I managed to transition to thinking about it as our money after a few difficult conversations.
It’s Not Going To Be Easy
It will definitely be difficult when you start talking about money, because of the different meanings and sentiments that money holds for different people. But it is a necessary conversation to have, simply because money is the thread that forms the fabric of our lives. It might not bring you happiness, but it will determine it. Besides, the key to any successful relationship is honesty.
And if you aren’t going to be honest about money – there isn’t much left to be honest about.
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