How To Identify Financial Red Flags in Relationships

A red flag is a warning sign of behaviour that is potentially dangerous and even destructive to your relationship. There are many kinds of red flags, but the following relationship red flags are all money-related. They should be taken seriously or at the very least, discussed during the early stages of the relationship. I cannot stress this enough – If you’re serious about the person you’re seeing, talk to them about money!

So without further ado, here are 5 money related red flags you need to watch out for:

1. They avoid talking about money

Does your partner actively avoid talking about money even when you want to? While raising the topic of money in a relationship can be challenging, the awkwardness does dissipate after the first few times when the person on the other side considers money with the same importance that you do – even if their strategies for saving are different. But, if you’re constantly met with ‘no, not now’, or ‘why do we have to talk about this’ or a flat out, ‘I’m not interested in talking about money with you’, consider it a red flag. It’s not even about them having monumental debt or a serious issue with their finances – it’s simply the fact that they’re not transparent with you.

2. They use money to make you feel like sh*t

If your partner uses money as a hook to make you feel terrible about yourself, that’s a red flag. None of us are perfect with our spending habits, and while healthy discussions and constructive criticism should be welcomed in a relationship, gaslighting shouldn’t be.

Here’s an example of what healthy feedback looks like – “Hey, I noticed that you’ve been shopping a lot this month. What’s happening? We should talk about it because the credit card bill this month looks crazy.”

Here’s what gaslighting looks like – “You just don’t know how to handle money and you’re always wasting it on useless garbage! How can you be so stupid?!”

3. They need ‘permission’ to take money decisions

This is a uniquely Indian red flag. If your partner lives in a joint family system, chances are there is no hygiene regarding finances. Everything goes into one big pot. It’s likely that separate accounts or joint accounts with partners are even discouraged. As a result, even the simplest money decisions require ‘permission’. While well-meaning advice and family consultations are acceptable, a roadblock to your financial decision-making process isn’t. The moment the word ‘permission’, or “I’ve to ask my parents,” or “I don’t take care of these things, my family does” comes up, it’s a red flag. While this may seem primarily like a male thing, I’d argue that adults asking for permission is not a good look for either gender [all privilege disclaimers apply].

4. They don’t see the point in independent accounts

If your partner doesn’t want you to have your own accounts, consider it a glaring financial red flag. While it does make sense to have joint accounts for joint expenses, insisting that you don’t need your own account (even if you want one) is an early signal of control. The need for control is often the first sign of abuse in a relationship. And financial abuse, where one partner is practically denied access to money…is very real.

5. They have abnormal spending habits

If your partner’s spending habits are not logical, consider it a red flag. There is plenty that can be said about money and mental health, and spending habits that are off the rails consistently, is a red flag of more serious and deep-rooted issues. Lavish gifting, spending on things you know they can’t afford, and overextending to friends and family through loans are all warning signs. Alternatively, not wanting to come out or refusing to spend are warning signs. This particular red flag is very instinctive, and some times people choose to ignore it, but it can come back to haunt you in a way that’s far worse if you don’t address it as early as possible.

Bottomline: Relationships are hard! Money might seem like a complicated layer that you really don’t want to unpack, but please, please, please keep your eyes open for financial red flags in your relationship. Trying to fix things or running away is up to you, but unless you identify them, your relationship could take on some serious damage in the long term.